Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Sign of the day..

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.