[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My whole life was a lie.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?