[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
making my dog give me my pills
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*