Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

started wrapping my pills in cheese

Adultry does not sound fun at all

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes