Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

the #horror is real!

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Seas the day!!!!