Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

😬

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

the three branches of government

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here