Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

It do be feeling this way.

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.