Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

time for some seasonal decor

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.