Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
You Might Also Like
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
“No way.” -Jose
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”