Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Godspeed, John Glenn

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

absolutely not

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.