Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.