Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
You Might Also Like
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Math at Halloween.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.