Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
British websites use biscuits.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My life coach traded me.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.