Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

me hitting on a model

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.