Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
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Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I like crazy people until they notice me
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.