Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.