me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
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When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
the prophecy has been fulfilled
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Happy thanksgiving
Posting this on behalf of a friend
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.