me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
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*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*