Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

kids play hide and seek like

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.