[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.