[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
😂😂
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
New tinder profile pic
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.