[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.