[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I think the cat got the dog high.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen