You Might Also Like

@kelly__le

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

@crocodilethumbs

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

@Adam14

Calling a girl “honey” is ok.

Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.

I’m a relationship expert.

@Mardigroan

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

@perfect_boxx

Women who want to renew your wedding vows….

Why not renew the bachelorette party? You’d probably have more fun.

@Darlainky

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

@GuyThe_Guy

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

@donni

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

@DaddyJew

Me: I’ll have a beer

Waiter: it’s 10am

Me: I’ll have a beer and some scrambled eggs