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If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Churning Butter!”


Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.


Calling a girl “honey” is ok.

Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.

I’m a relationship expert.


Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.


Women who want to renew your wedding vows….

Why not renew the bachelorette party? You’d probably have more fun.


I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”


In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.


I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.


Me: I’ll have a beer

Waiter: it’s 10am

Me: I’ll have a beer and some scrambled eggs