Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.