Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.