Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.