Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

i will avenge u mr van gogh

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?