Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

#Caturday

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

ㅤ

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂