Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Name this drama.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.