Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jail

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.