Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

I enjoy a good short stor

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies