Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
You Might Also Like
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind