Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons