Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty