Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

Auto correct is my worst enema.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.