Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?