me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
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Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Happy Thanksgiving
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding