Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

thanks auntie mary

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones