What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
did it work
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.