me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
the clam before the storm
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I identify as an antique shop.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral