me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
You Might Also Like
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
This fish is cracking me up
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.