ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
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If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
The USS B port
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.