*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
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My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Tell the colonel to bring it
