*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Goat cheese is for herders.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?