Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.