ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
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Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
When can I start eating bats again.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.