ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
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I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Ugh but profoundly
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands