Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

starting a garage orchestra

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

when you don’t want to be too vague

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.