Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Is Dutch some sort of clown language