Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

every man in east london

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you