Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.