Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.