Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
fly smarter, not harder
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Stop.
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How all things should be taught/explained.
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I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s