Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

Worst Native American name ever.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

I’m having an out of money experience.

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.