Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
You Might Also Like
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
They did not think through this water fountain
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.