Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
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Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.