Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

New menu item

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

Reminds me of when I was young and the landscaper used to let me run bare feet over the freshly cut grass. Those days are lawn gone.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.