Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
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One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
applying for a new job
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
me logging onto twitter
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher