Home is where your toilet is.
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Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.