Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
You Might Also Like
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
These are my emotional support Pringles.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.