Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
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Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
hey, alexa
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
no!! no!!!!!!
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”