Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

Trying

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Wednesday

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL