me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”