me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
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Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
it takes so much energy
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Alexa; make it look like an accident
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*