Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

i wonder why they stopped looking

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

If looks could kill

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers