Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle