Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
drew a comic about my origin story
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!