Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”