6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
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Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Brb my Sims are getting married
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.