Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
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Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.