@Parkerlawyer

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

- @Parkerlawyer

You Might Also Like

@gavinmind

Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.

@EndhooS

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

@ch000ch

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

@nice_mustard

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

@TySmithdrums

Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.

@bazecraze

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”