Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
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Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used